* this was written on 21 June 2007
Ok... so I denied myself justice again… i did really bad in my class test 2 anatomy for block 4…. First time ever…. And now my body which have had been lethargic for the past few week, just continues being that way. I’m stuck. Am I lazy… or am I just in a period of a burnt out situation? My God! Help… and to add salt on my wound, friends around me are still continually going strong in their subjects, which is of no help either for my esteem (sorry... this is wrong... i shouldn't blame anyone else but myself). I keep on telling myself to pick up from the tracks… but my will power is not strong enough… what should I do Lord?
For this past two weeks or so, I find myself being absent minded… not in the present at all; excessive daydreaming and failing to focus. Today my mind is not cluttered but my heart is… for no reason… I start to miss people … close family at home and surprisingly past friends which I rarely keep in contact with. I started to wonder how they were. It was as if a magically spell has been put upon me. I don’t get it… out of nowhere, this burst of feelings comes to my heart and I am left dazed and confused. Then I wonder… is this what I’m supposed to go through? (My stomach is aching now). To be frank, I am not happy. The work load overwhelms me and I find myself trying harder and harder to have that correct attitude. I succeed at times but there are certain moments like what I am experiencing now which baffles me. How hard I try, yet I am not there yet. I haven’t reached the ceiling. For example, in this block’s anatomy exam, in my first class test, I managed an astounding distinction, a convincing 84 upon a hundred… but as I mentioned just now, I am going to squander my 2nd class test… the unofficial result… 40 upon ninety.
A note to self: a simple switch of attitude can cause a grave plummeting in my result. The “yo-yo” effect which plagues my days of a medical student, I just can’t get rid off yet... not yet but soon to come.
(My stomach still hurts!!!) I still remember, as I walk to Mr. Sathish Nayak’s room, pasted on his wall, there was two written messages on his principle for learning. It was directly facing his seat, and every morning of his working days, as he comes to his cabin and sits down on his chair, there in front of him, those deep words would remind him everyday of what he has to do. It will press upon him to take steps to improve and persist through learning. It wrote…” the marks I get for an exam is inversely proportional to my laziness towards learning”… and another… “I do not believe in last minute work unless I am in it”. Simple statements but it carried, down to earth, profound meaning. The only think that made me wonder was whether the habituation of constantly reminding yourself will wear you thin, making the reminder subconsciously dismissed and taken for granted.
Oh well… what the heck… now it is ten o’ clock… I had let one hour passed me by. I have made good decisions and bad ones in my life… and I wonder whether spending time writing what I have had written above is worth it or should I have spend my time on studying for the biochemistry test - scheduled this coming Saturday - instead?
(My stomach still hurts!!!)
On a brighter note, just when I was despairing and heading for class, and probably trying to drum into myself of what had happen. Ann Li gave me a prayer to
Great St Joseph of Cupertino who while on earth did obtain from God the grace to be asked at your examination only the questions you knew, obtain for me a favour in the examination for which I’m now preparing. Through Christ our LORD.
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