My Thoughts

Emancipation from shackles of blood

2010-07-05T20:22:00.003+05:30

I felt emancipated…

I was thinking of playing tennis and forgoing any thoughts of donating blood but when I came back to Melaka, the courts were wet. It had rained and together with it, ruined my hopes for an excuse. Even as I was going down from the bus, I were in two minds, still undecided but slowly encroaching towards my bicycle, subconsciously yearning for home and to put this whole internal conflict behind me. However, my heart desired to take this adventure and I kept my mind curious, cajoling it maybe to just take it one step at a time, maybe to check out their progress with a false sense of concern for the event. Ho ho.. clever Jedi-equivalent mind trick!

But when Jayanthi decided that she was going, I conveniently tagged along, showing my brave side while assuring her that we do not need to freshen up at the hostel first.

After that i felt so fresh. I had broken the cycle of self discouragement, which had held on for so many years, since national service in 2004. There you go. No painful needles to worry about or killer shark like finger pricking.

Actually, by going through all this trouble, I really wanted to confirm my Rhesus factor… but as expected… it was not one of the tests… darn… I had really hoped to check it out (I had checked myself once before in my physiology lab in India, but I just want to confirm mah). Then I can hold my head up high as the rare breed of darah raja Homosapiens with an AB-ve blood group. hahaha. My BP was 116/74mmHg by the way… so good!!!!!!!!! but my weight was confirmed to touch 70… 71 to be exact. Let’s see… calculate calculate BMI is 22.9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! o oh…. darn, touching upper limit of normal!!!

Life support

2010-06-29T06:59:00.001+05:30

The thoughts and feelings that rushes into my mind now is how much i need you and missing you when you are not around.

My heart always finds it’s own game; when will she be back? when can i talk to her? She is my one and only close companion put on earth which would share with me her life and, that is what life’s all about – it revolves to a certain extend around her. After a busy day of working and exerting myself i just look forward to seeing her, meeting her, holding her in my arms; caring and talking and loving with flowing gentleness. She is somebody I can fall back to and depend on when I am alone and lonesome. These days, I have always just been that and somehow it feels that she is my life support.

The thing about Marlene

2009-05-03T17:08:00.000+05:30

Marlene works hard. She sacrifices her life to support her family by working long hours in the factory. She takes every opportunity to work overtime as she would get more allowance – the much-needed money to pay the bills. She does not mind, just as long as her 2 children, Dan and Clemitha can live comfortably with a roof over their heads, she would be all the more happy to do what it takes for the job that pays the rent

What more to life is there for her? She thinks about how she became a single mother, a young single mother and it made her frown: that heartless fellow! She brushed off that thought immediately the first moment she’d noticed at the corner of her eye, the inspecting supervisor approaching close by. She did not want him to think that she was day dreaming and lazy.

She was meticulously assembling the electrical components just like every one of her colleagues, a sweat falling from her brow out of nervousness. She had developed a disliking towards that nosy demanding supervisor throughout the weeks since she had started on the job. The boss is coming closer

Just then, Suzy nudge her and broke in a whisper. “Hey… you’re looking like a loud speaker statue, whatever. Stop it darling”

“Oh God, Sues… it is that obvious?”

“Yeah relax… I know you can… Oh the boss’s eying you now.”

“You’ve got to help me… butterflies in my tummy.”

“I figured, he thinks you’ve done something wrong.”
“Not again?!”

Marlene closed her eyes and tried to suppress the unending nauseating feeling

“Marly deary, don’t you have to worry. If ever the boss’s eye pops out, for you I’ll pluck it out and bury it under his wig!”

“What… you mean he’s bald?”

“Oh yes, and baldy even has so many moles on his head that you can make out his second face… only the eyeballs are missing.”

“How do you kno… uh”

The wig fell as soon as Suzy had finished explaining. The supervisor scrambled to place his dignity back on his head. The smiley face made of moles was glaringly present, just as Suzy had foretold.

Marlene let out a giggle which she soon regretted. She suppressed it immediately, but by then every one in the hall had noticed it.

“Good mor--ning ladies” grinned the supervisor cynically, “I’m glad you have had a cheerful day so far but hmm…really, I’m unsure about the rest.” He paused; made sure he flashed a piercing stare and each of them. “I’m sure that you’ll love to skip a few hours of goodnight rest to do some unpaid overtime. It’s good to see two motivated associates covering for the missed working excitement of today.” Burning red with embarrassment, he turned his head and walked away.

“Did you see that?” whispered Suzy, “It’s like hitting the jackpot.”

“Are you some kind of a psychic? Oh yeah, jackpot it is, we are always ending up in some kind of trouble somehow. Nice shiny head though”

“At least you have me, your best friend by your side all day long. We can be all cheery and girly till our last hour.”

“You got that right,” grinned Marlene, “I’m stuck with you forever”

“You look so cute! I love you, you know that?”

“Uh huh," she continued with her work but soon after she noticed Suzy staring anticipatingly at her. She stared back jokingly but gave in anyway, "Oh what the heck, I love u too”

An early morning scene

2009-05-01T16:50:00.001+05:30

Note: I was going through my spm english practise folder and i found a nice piece on an early morning scene. This essay had the best mark from my tuition teacher compared to the others. Sigh... those were the days.

Peaceful as ever, is the stillness of the silent night only to be broken by the chirping of the early birds looking for some wriggly worms for breakfast. They certainly long for an early meal, free from the competition by the other nasty animal kingdom.

The faint melodious sounds of insects buzzing to attract their mates and frogs croaking under the falling dew from the trees, announcing the fall of the night and greatly anticipating the rise of the day. While the humans are still asleep in slumber land, the animals of every corner of the earth are waiting to celebrate a new day, an adventure full of excitement, directly from God. Unfortunately the nocturnal animal, the owl is spotted to be ready for a long sleep and to dream the night away - will miss it all.

By perfect timing, the miraculous event happens Mother Nature sets its course.Flashes light up the desolate night. A new lease of life begins to flourish, touching every living thing in sight, giving them immaculate and divine solace. It is fate that had sent the poignant moon away. The same moon that showered us with romance during seemly endless nights. Now all it can do is to back us with its convincing goodbyes and hope that we remember his passionate love, the dim lights of the dark skies.

Wait a minute; I see something beyond the horizons. The seas, the hills, the trees,the skies, the clouds, all ready to greet the morning star, to bow down to their king. It is as if they shouted out loudly with one voice.

"All glory, all power and all sovereignty belongs to our master and king forever and ever, till the end of time!"

It is meant to be. The day awaits it. The glorious sun so astute to show off its radiant face is still so inchoate and has not fully risen.

The sun is growing and growing in size and its glimmering light shines brighter and brighter. The inhabitants of the earth, all kinds of plants and flowers; showing its gradual appealing beauty, reflecting the light of the sun on its colour. Sweet smelling roses, wan at night, becoming redder and redder under the rising sun. The unique morning glory, the flower so connected with time, opens and blossoms as the light brightens. Its petals welcome the day, basking in the light.

Soon a plethora of excitements fills the air; the gentle breeze slowly refreshing everything that comes in his way. Even man cannot resist the magnificent beauty - the true colours of the earth that shatters the even the coldest of hearts and their dreams of day becomes a reality.

The glimmer of hope strengthens as every minute passes. The plants can finallymake food through the process of photosynthesis, which needs the sun. The children can finally give a sigh of relief as the ghost could not touch nor haunt them anymore. In their baby minds, ghost only come out at night - no more virulent monsters under the bed or in the closet. The morning sun acts like a shield to protect them. Hail the sun, the source of nourishment, strength and beauty. Hail the sun, whichgives refuge to the weak and light to the blind. Hail the sun, which turns the night into dawn and the darkness into light.

Morning has finally broken..

Passion

2009-04-27T16:41:00.004+05:30

It's when you can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop talking about it, always feel like having it whenever possible. It’s in your mind almost half of the time or maybe three quarters. It is the first thing that comes to your mind when you happen to daydream.

You spend countless hours and yet would not feel that your time is wasted. You are engrossed; you’re obsessed; you enjoy it, every moment of it.

When it is taken away from you, you missed it so badly.

You have the energy to wake up at 5am just to nurture it. It’s something which you’ll always have time for. Stealing time would be a habit.

The world stops. The moon fails. Your life is floating away endlessly day by day. But who cares, as long as it’s with you, as long as you are not deprived of it.

It’s your food, without it you’ll starve. It’s your soul, without it you’ll be empty.
It is never a chore. It’ll be your daily routine without fail. You’ll never be bored.

It inspires you. Just by looking at it, feeling it, you’ll get motivated.
Life gets richer by the day, life is sweet.

Looking at the future will clear all doubts.
Realizing it in the present would float you all the way up… to seventh heaven.

p.s. What if you substitute 'it' with someone you love? or your studies? or the Lord?

Nevertheless if you substitute 'it' for all the wrong things, it may destroy you... hahaha

Survival beckons

2009-04-11T20:32:00.001+05:30

Eh… how to survive la… really need help la wey..

So this is how it goes: the silver spoon is removed… “You like the freedom? You like it?”

“Yes, a breath of fresh air, thank you, no more headache” like every naïve girl or boy we say, “bring it on… we need more clinicals, less classes and class notes.”

“ho ho ho… very enthusiastic clinical students.”

Then like every naïve boy and girl, we fall into their trap. They throw all of us little babies in the medical field, into the sea of knowledge. “Nah go swim… this is what you need to know… nah go study, go read.”

Just when we are about to enjoy our freedom, we come to realize the weight of responsibility - complicated books with facts hiding behind the nonsense, which we need to extract. We have to divide for ourselves the essential knowledge from the distinction decorations. Time management my dear Watson. All this before we even start learning the material.

“Ahem, sorry to interrupt dear measly low life medical student. How do you expect to examine a patient if you don’t know what to look for? How can you enquire like a good medical detective without studying? You have to correlate the signs and symptoms, silly or you’ll be just as good as the common man on the street. Even they would be better than you.”

“Errr… but… but… you can’t just leave us on our own!”
Then we hang on to the false hope that knowledge is not everything... but emotional intelligence will not solve our glaring problem either.

“Change your attitude, stupid. Here we aspect professionalism. Studies, service, whatever. Gone are the hanky panky days of your 1st & 2nd medical years in Manipal.”

Then they observed us from afar with empathic pretences “ho ho ho, how are you doing? Smashing I hope?” but subtly force-feeding us. “What? You still don’t know this? Useless fellow, this is basic knowledge” then with their bare hands they push again and again, our tired heads already struggling to breath, into the water, “ When are you going to swim? We haven’t got all day my dear.”

“Whoaaaa… what do we actually need to know?”

“Something about EVERYTHING… muahahhaha!”

It’s a miracle I haven’t drowned yet. But there is no doubt I need a stable system that works. I need to trouble myself more and adapt to the situation as quickly as possible.

Hmm maybe it’s not that bad after all. I’m not sure, but maybe, maybe they like our batch. Yeay I’m starting to float. If they can do it, I can right? Anyway I think it’s still too early to tell. What’s next?

“Ho ho ho… secret. You’ll find out soon enough”

The experiment

2009-03-19T02:23:00.003+05:30

Dear dreamers,

It had well been a sound year; a really sound year it’d been indeed if you know what being sound is like anymore. As the stakes are raised higher and higher each year, I suspect that it’s only fair to say that sanity belongs to one’s own digression. One can never know what hefty surprises are installed for us in the future. We can only speculated, plan, search through all our resources and be ready when the time comes, but we can never find out how the next chapter of our lives will hit us until it does.

And so dear dreamers, the eyes of the world that reads this. I shall hope to raise this blog out of the grave into the living.

So that when the present we sit in drives us so far ahead into the future, and we take hits after hits soon after that momentous chapter, I can sit back and point out to you, O dreamers about the silliness of it all, the wisdom that settles at the bottom. I wish to pause time in this fashion.

I hope to raise my case before God

I hope to discover His blessings

I hope my mind to stay 18 forever

I hope to create fantasy out of the living

I hope to muster the breath of fresh air in our daily existence

I hope to reminisce in the ancient past

I hope to beat the egg in the issues

I hope the vindication of my ideologies

I hope the affirmation of diversified principles

This is a challenge. It shouldn’t be all talk and no action. I keep asking myself why I would document the things I’m reluctant to share. Can I really translate my deeply suppressed thoughts and opinions on paper or in speech? Why at times do I find this a waste of time? How about the energy involved?

That is why I write this mission statement, an experiment I devised for myself. That is why you are all called ‘dear dreamers’, the shadowy non-existent audience, similar to our pal ‘dear diary’.

Pray that my motivation never ends. I had always needed someone to push the hesitant me.

Maybe it should just very well be left rotting in the cemetery. I don’t know. Maybe this is the last, but still I’ll take this opportunity to wish you happy New Year dear dreamers. This is my first post that greets the New Year, almost 3 months late.

The night before the flight

2008-12-28T21:46:00.015+05:30

“I’m leaving on a jet plane; don’t know when I’ll be back again”

-John Denver, singer/songwriter

I saw how contented she was brushing her teeth with me. She looked just like a sweet child on the reflection of the mirror. The sight of her was like a little girl who had finally grasped her guardian closer in her arms – a relief to the baby who had had a despairing episode following a brief separation with her loved one, then meeting him again after a few hours.

In my bewilderment you surprised me by appearing again when your sister brought you back, after having already said your goodbyes, and driving away in the car - a renewed hope that you would be able to see me off in the airport after all. That moment, that one moment in the washroom, I saw heaven in your eyes, so peaceful, so bliss; that one moment I had wanted to cuddle you for eternity and not let you go.

I thought I was going to lose you again. And I couldn’t blame her; I felt it all the same after a long time of not getting the opportunity to meet and another 6 months is going be a long time you know. Such a good time we had had for the pass 5weeks, spending precious time together trying to fill in all the gaps we had lost for the past 1 and a half years of being apart.

It was an irony how we had spent half of the 3years we'd been together, physically apart. I had known you by touch and by sight for only 1 and half years and the remaining years in Manipal only by thought and words – yet you still love me.

I had requested her to return to Vista that night. Not to send me off in the airport. It felt like a mistake. The last time since, i embraced her. Before she came to surprise me and soothe my tears, I had cried awfully by myself, . Back in Vista it was her turn to cry while I calmed her aching heart through the phone. Such emotions shook us as if we were never going to meet again. We couldn’t sleep that night thinking of each other.

It was just too painful to be separated once more.

The Manipal grand finale - part 1

2008-11-30T23:28:00.002+05:30

Late late... i have to post something before the end of the month... remember?

But excusable la... as my computer is long gone from this era... it ceases to function anymore. Maybe it has something to do with the power... the batteries finally gave way after two fruitful years and it had probably affected the power regulator in the process. The hard disk would not start at all....

So now i am contented with borrowing laptops from my good junior friends. While they are having block examinations and studying very hard, I'm doing them a favour by relieving them from all distractions. No laptop = optimum focus & concentration = good exam results. Am I a good friend or not?.. hehe

ok let's start...

Ever since i came back from the Holiday's I've been going for hospital posting in the Udupi and Manipal hospital. Each posting is three weeks long and is subsequently followed by an end-posting exam. So far i have done Medicine and Psychiatry and currently I am in surgery. Third year in India is really nice... really hope that when i return to Malaysia in March, Melaka would show some kindness. I heard that they'll cook you alive there.

I am writing articles for my college magazine, M. life and I hope i will procrastinate no further. the date line is on 7th of December... So soon!!!!!!!! I hope to finish at least 2 or 3 of those articles, even though i have so many ideas in mind. Thank God that the dateline for the caroling article is only on the last week of December. Darn i need to concentrate. I need to start writing although i could be lazy at times... Speed up Johnathan... Wake up!!!!! No more Computer games!!

The follow are my potential articles (the titles are only temporary). The first one is almost finished.
1) Odyssey - The journey of no return.
2) Wooing the Junior sweethearts 101
3) The sandy beach
4) My Psychiatry diary - Electroconvulsive Therapy
5) Being apart from you - A letter dedicated to long distance relationships
6)The handphone dilemma
7)The dawn before Unis
8) Silent night - the story of Manipal Carollers

Monkey see, monkey do

2008-10-31T23:22:00.000+05:30

hmm.. i didn't blog for so long already... but I refuse to leave the month of October without a post!!!

So therefore i'll be dedicating this post to all my friends of the India trip. Here is a monkey who dares to challenge your speed tougue contest.... eh... the other time who was the champion already ah..

hahaha.... while you're at it, i'll show you another monkey post which is a good example of 'i scratch your back, you scratch ~~your balls~~ my back'

I got a feeling that the monkey gets orgasms when humans get friendly with it. Look at where the left hand is touching... man... it is sexually stimulating itself.

Tummy... sigh

2008-09-13T20:38:00.002+05:30

Every time I come back to Malaysia I would get a sounding from *ahem ahem* for having such a ‘big’ tummy. But in actually fact I cannot help it. Home is a place to jalan jalan cari makan. My craving for food far exceeds my now reduced metabolism. I had been staved too long from all the Malaysian food, hawker store, mamak midnight 24 hours.

Do you know how it feels like to fast from all the curry mees and the bak kut tehs for one year and a half? Shame on you people who take these things for granted. Even in China, there is no such thing as curry mee and bak kut teh. That is the first thing these Chinese nationals will look for if they happen to visit Malaysia.

Yes I know… when in India, do what the Indians do… eat what they eat. But in Malaysia, ‘gluttony’ is the first rule… I had made it a point to go around town and beyond to gasak all the ‘essential’ must eat foods. Even fast food restaurants, McD, KFC, Kenny Rogers A&W are not spared.

And that’s when I began to have this tummy. It really started after eating the Big Mac in the McD in Chiangi Airport (my first beef in one and a half years!) and my stomach feels bloated after every meal. Actually hor, is it really because of fat or air? Gf says it is because I drink water after my meal.

What I need is to have an intensive exercise programme. I predict that if I play tennis every day and jog to boost my stamina - basically my secondary school routine – unwanted tummy will go off in a week ( I hope so :P)

Hehe… will be flying to Terengganu tomorrow to gasak more keropok leko and all the nasi kerabu and telur penyu and ahem… auntie’s cooking. (ala she ask me to call her mom that what… for now… hehe)

Kindness without cost

2008-09-13T13:38:00.006+05:30

Boy:

Why do you want to help me? Who I am to you? I am just a stranger, a person whom you had picked up along the way. I was seriously injured with blood smearing the whole of my scalp, a stab wound at the side of my abdomen, and you helped me – which was what anybody in their right mind would do. And you abandoned all your plans immediately and drove me to the hospital.

Any crazy soul would desert me to my death, pretending to keep a closed eye as they drive along the dark lonely road. I could even be taken as a gimmick of thieves to stop passing cars with the intention of mugging kind hearted people… but you stopped, withstanding the risk upon yourself and rode me in your car.

And now you are saying that I can come and live with you in the meantime; while I recover from amnesia, when I finally discover who my family is and my home, when I can final remember who I am? Until then, you will take me into your home; you will call me your family?

Why treat me with such kindness? For all you know I may be poor or even a murderer who has lost his mind. You (as well as I) don’t even know my (own) background. What if I betray you once my memory returns?

Elderly man:

What is man without life? What is life when you find yourself trapped in an island, living a lonesome day with three coconuts on a single tree? Life becomes meaningless if we fail to share it. We must depend on one another for sustenance rather than walk the journey alone.

(This is an excerpt from a drama with extensive additons)

----------------------------------

Will this kind of society ever exist? A community where a person would trust even a stranger until the extent of welcoming him to his family.

When I give and share what I have, it always pains me to feel that the person at the receiving end is suspecting me of an ulterior motive. As if nothing in this world is free. Why can’t I just be your miracle? Not only to a close friend but also to a stranger, is showing kindness without cost possible?

Baby juniors

2008-09-04T10:50:00.003+05:30

Just imagine, we are going to be the most senior batch in manipal once we come back. Yes, we batch 19... finally at the top of the triangle after a long 2 1/2 years. ahem... we'll be a walking dictionary full of experience and and... we can go around proudly wearing our name tag that we've 'done it, did that!!!!' ho ho ho.

Any problem little juniors, you can come and find tai kor!!!!!!

Cool right!!!!

Meanwhile, our batch 21 juniors, like us had also just finish their university exams - their first - and I presume are enjoying the time of their life, just like we had one year ago.

… One year ago... wow time really speeds up when you are super busy.

Let me just reminisce about the beginning point of this one year when batch 21 people were still naive and goodie-goodie and were just starting to get settled down.

Then came the gutsy batch 19 people, Shao Sze and I particularly, who bulldozed our way into their class to make a spontaneous announcement, directed particularly to all Chinese students, that they stay back in class for a while. We were going to record a video, supposedly for Chinese orientation.

So we gathered all the confused young kids together… and decided that they should be patriotic.

Yes, we actually managed to get them to sing Negaraku. Seriously it was really fun.

Going home - to a foreign land?

2008-09-02T10:06:00.001+05:30

At Singapore’s Golden mile bus stop… Char siew Pau!!!!!!!! I was desperately craving for it. I had almost forgotten its taste. All hail Char siew pau!!!!!!!

I was so happy to see the smart tag, and the toll booths. The north-south highway?! Wow it is the north south highway! Smooth flowing roads, wow I miss those. A far cry from the bumpy pot-holed (roller coaster like) roads of India

As I went home using the LRT (wow… gasped, it is the LRT!!), there was a person reading the malay mail… Ah the malay mail!! Its appearance looked so different from what it was one and a half years ago.

Finally after so long I am surrounded again by my fellow countrymen, familiar faces passing by. I was once, no longer the centre of attraction of prying eyes or shaking heads who rarely meets a Chinese in their uniform country of uniform race; no more ‘tempeis’ in and out of my life.

Still I can’t help it but feel that I had come back to a foreign land. Just not used to the idea that all the ‘tempeis’ are gone. One after the other, things had changed so much – alterations which I hear only through ‘skype-ing’ dad, now I see for real. One and a half years had spiced up the all the sights that I’m used to as if time had progressed a hundred miles ahead, leaving me behind.

I had waited for dad at the LRT station to bring me home, expecting a dark blue car to be parked at the same spot at the side of the road, near the stairway I’m supposed to use. I was searching from the top, separated only by a railing, and scanning the moving cars to check if he had arrived first.

He was there already, only that, I didn’t notice. The car was new and no longer blue. A grey car with a different registration number greeted me. I didn’t bother to look at that car. I thought I arrived at the station first and had to wait.

But when I walked down the stairs my dad was already there. What was he doing alone? Where was his car? I thought he was supposed to drive me home.

Only when mom stepped out of the grey proton ishwara, I began to understand.

“Dad!! You changed your car?!!”

I advanced forward to bury them in hugs, the first after a whooping one and a half years

Going home - aeroplane nightmare

2008-08-30T00:23:00.001+05:30

I came back home at last…

(Pausing for a few moments to ponder)

The journey home was long and hard. A long 16 hour wait at the airport with a book in my hand, and talking to ‘ah moh’ strangers in between or playing cards. The experience of boarding the plane home, the excitement of it finally taking off into the air – good riddance to the exams and what is left of India, albeit temporarily - only to turn back to our initial destination at the last minute due to some technical problems.

Please la, we were already in the air. We had already kissed India goodbye, symbolically and literally brushing it off our shoulders like dandruff and blowing all the sarcastic flying kisses out of the plane window. But they had to turn back; they just had to fly back to India “just like one of those movies” commented my friend. Sakai la!!!!!!!!!!! We did the theatrics too early.

“We will rectify the problem in Bangalore (India) and probably fly off as soon as possible.”

“Nothing to worry… it is just a minor technical problem.”

“For safety concerns, please unfasten your seat belts as the plane is now being refueled.”

Being refueled? That means we are getting ready to fly again right?

Seriously, with all their sweet talking announcements floating like music in the air, I thought we were sure to go home even in all this hanky panky jumping about like devils. They sure knew how to give hope to their passengers.

… False hope!!!

It was my first time watching the pilot of the grounded plane appearing from his operation cabin and announcing to all of us that it was not possible to continue the flight. With a ‘selamba’ smile, he casually spoke, “In this situation we all know that safety comes first,” which was kind off true owning to the bad stormy night at that time; the cause for long periods of turbulence and a rough flight. “The problem we have is only a minor one but big enough a reason to discontinue the flight… and no repairs can be done in this short time.”

“erm, besides… our working hours is about to reach its end.”

The air stewardesses were all looking sad and sober… and guilty? muahahaha… jokers la.

The unforeseen circumstance made me missed my connecting flight from Singapore to Malaysia… sobs

Happy Birthday to me! - drama

2008-07-10T22:14:00.012+05:30

On this day, exactly 22 years ago, I formed into existence. It was a momentous time of being alive, real physical flesh and blood. No more an imaginary anticipated soul in the swell of my mother’s womb but a nestling of little hands, little feet, and tiny petal like fingers being guided into mummy’s embrace, suckling on her breast with my thirsty little lips.

Actually, I was not supposed to be born by this date, but on July 9^th. In fact, everything had been in place; the water bag had burst a long time before, the nurses had rubbed the ointment on mum’s abdomen hours ahead, all standby procedures had been taken care off. Dad, who is a medical lab technologist at the same hospital, had been waiting anxiously by her bedside after having driven her all the way from the house. I am their first child, it was their first time going through all this unfamiliar experience, and they had been waiting for my arrival ever since the bright sunny afternoons, or had it been the morning earlier?

But you know, the sentimental me wanted to wait awhile longer in the dark cozy womb. What’s the hurry? It’s so warm and comfy whereas outside is cold. Give me five more minutes (like the way we use to keep our parents from waking us up in the mornings during the holidays), and let me treasure this moment. I can be a born again Christian but I can never go back to my mother’s womb and be physically reborn again right?

Still, I was only a baby and obviously I had no conscious measurement of time then. Five minutes?

So I controlled my foetal adrenal gland in a way that it will not produce sufficient Cortisol hormone yet and thus no prostaglandin induction in mum’s endometrium. Not enough uterine contractions to give birth and to cut the whole process short, I kept them waiting till about 3am on the 10^th of July.

I wonder whether they had finally given mom one of those labour inducing uterine stimulants, oxytocin – to force me out of my lovely rabbit hole… darn it!

And to make matters even cooler, I was a bit bluish in colour after birth. It was probably due to the lack of oxygen developed while basking myself in the last glorious moments as a ‘womb ling’ before becoming an earthling – making the poor nurse run her hearts out to the other pediatric intensive care room at the end of the hall to douse me with a supply of O2, lest my brain becomes damage or something of that sort.

That was the tensed hospital drama exactly 22 years ago. A worthy beginning fit for a kingly dramatist like me... haha.

Wow it's really 22 years already? I can’t believe I’m already that old… haha. In my younger days I used to look at my elder cousins and people and wonder to myself, wow... I’ll be that age next time… hmm… and now I’m that age but still very kanak-kanak…

Oh well... Happy birthday to me!

Prayer meetings - my reply

2008-06-09T16:44:00.005+05:30

P.S Sorry for taking so long to reply... couldn't finish it in time for the exams.

Don't fall asleep reading this k.

This is a reply to cute little angel

Why are you sulking for? You did a great job gal.

Remember when we first came, there were only 4 of us plus Patrick for cell group. I mean, from what I see, attendance that day was already good; and when had the numbers ever been important?

No ideas are ever too ideal. Your desire of having a group, that all our catholic brethrens may have a sense of belonging, in closer communion is indeed a great one. In fact that was the reason why our seniors (of which we don’t even know them) started this anyway.

You must take this into account. Even though we are working with our brothers and sisters in Christ, or for anybody for that matter, we are still dealing with human beings… people with real needs and emotions which need to be addressed or tolerated. We must always make provisions for their ‘errors’ for which they may hurt us (including fake excuses of being sick). It is part and parcel of being human; receiving bouts of insensitive attitudes, as if they care nothing about being a family.

Indeed, I feel your frustration of having indulged in great efforts to smsing and persuading friends to come, only to get a lukewarm response or no response at all. Yes, you did it for a good reason. Yes, that was what God would have wanted for us: to live as a family. But nobody seemed to want share the same pursuit… and there goes some people like me complaining about his own discomforts and disabilities; it must be really hard on you.

But… just look at Mic; he is surrounded by ‘tempeh’ 24 hours a day and almost speak like one already. Although he is cool about it, I mean these people can be good friends as well, but he does feel lonely at times; and so is Jac. They have limited avenues from real Malaysian care and contact. They will be ever ready to establish that contact (in Christ some more).

And how about Jrmy; God gave him a new lease of life. The semangat joy in that fellow for fellowship… fuh.

Hwee Ming girlfriend (oops I forgot her name); our two junior Sheela and Kristin who came even though exams are round the corner; our steady Patrick, still continuing to persist even after many setbacks in life.

If there were no cell, if there were no one to semangatly sms these people, there will not be many chances of meeting or getting to know them… merely hi and bye friends? Mya will not get a chance to provide Mic tissue papers to wipe the cow dung off his saddles, after a wrong step on our walk back home… hehe

This is the sense of belonging we are talking about, although a bit disjointed at times. And remember there was a time, only 4 of us plus Patrick had fellowship in cell group. When had the numbers ever been important anyway?

Let’s talk about some of those sentiments that prevent people from coming.

Catholic Christians are a very diverse type of Christians, considering the methods of prayers one can devote his spirit into. While all these prayers have a same goal and lead to the same Christ Jesus, some of us may prefer one kind of prayer over the other. There is the rosary, meditative or contemplative prayer, devotion to the saints; some may prefer just praying alone in the room, some may not mind group praying and sharing and games, or even the charismatic praise and worship (but some may be tone deaf. How can they sing?) etc…

(With so many prayers, Catholicism seems to be in a mess, but this is not so. We are united by the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, celebrated daily in mass, the most important worship)

But the fact is clear, base on their cultural background some may not be comfortable with certain kinds of prayer and thus does not come for the prayer meetings because they just can’t prayer under those circumstances. Therefore I suggest that the meetings be structured so as to soothe the needs of (which I categorize into) traditionalist, charismatics or the ‘in betweens’.

Another matter is the hope that “we Catholics can form this little community whereby we would have a sense of belonging” when we have our prayer meetings together. But I must stress that these meetings alone can’t promote this sense of belonging. Developing this sense starts from our role to be a Christian friend first.

We’ll have to swallow our pride and our comfort zones and show our care and concern. Maybe remember us in your smses. Each of us has our own needs and desperations. Caring enough to know and understand them (even though they may seem complicated) and to provide a little help or comfort will strengthen these bonds of friendship and belonging. More time spent with each individual personally would interpret into more communication and understanding.

God gave you the power to persist in such a ministry… Do not abandon this pursuit even if it hurts.

In this messy world it seems that God gave you the grace to be this pillar. Under this circumstance, nobody can arrest this role from you. I for one have been put in the dark. I cannot even maintain a balance in myself.

I pray that you won’t give up that light of selflessness, in your heart.

Indelible ink is not BERSIH: my reply

2008-05-20T22:39:00.011+05:30

Thank you pix pixie for commenting on the ‘Indelible ink is not BERSIH’ article. I’ll take this opportunity to express my support towards the BERSIH organization for their undying effort to assure justice and fairness in our electorate system. Replying to your comment:

The discussion on the substance which could be used to counter the indelible ink is not possibly a rumour because the coffee shop owner in India (I meet everyday for breakfast) whom I interviewed has had the first hand experience of using it for submitting multiple votes (it was not a friend of a friend of a friend…). But then again, what he said may not be true. It could be something he made up or there was just some misunderstanding.

Nevertheless, you’ll never know of its existence unless you really find out.

I can only speculate that the 'liquid chemical substance' he was mentioning about, doesn't necessarily refer to some high-five chemical stuff which you can only find in laboratories. (e.g. Ethanol is cheap and can be found very rampantly!)

I suspect that this is a substance which you can find in any ‘Magic’ selling stalls (which sells trickery items for amateur magicians); among selling the magical ink pen which only appears when in contact with water or disappearing wound trick, why not an invisible skin coating liquid that can come off when it is rub?

He gave me the impression that this substance is somewhat starch-like and has this gluey consistency that can dry easily without a trace, after which it can be peeled off. How expensive can this substance be since it is bought by a man (coffee shop boss) who has a moderate socioeconomic lifestyle? (and this place in india i am staying in right now is kind of ulu and far from the main city)

Still, with so much talk and no facts, we will never know whether this claim is credible or not. Well, both of us have this benefit of doubt. But I am wondering, isn’t your committee dying to find out of its truth and existence? ‘Phenicol’ may not be the actual name, but the interviewee had explained the mechanism of action of this substance. It could be a clue.

Yup I agree with you that the ink is not cheating-proof and we must use any reasonable way possible to deter multiple voters (doing something about it is better that doing nothing at all right?). But my objective with the article is to create awareness on its possible liability so that others may be immunized to it and thus develop some methods of prevention in order to make the indelible ink more worthy of use.

Indelible ink is not BERSIH

2008-05-19T18:42:00.002+05:30

Indelible ink... does it really work?

Just few days ago (16 May), Karnataka (India) had their state elections and all who went to vote had their fingers marked with the Indian indelible black ink. Yes, it is supposedly the same black ink our Malaysian Election Committee wanted to import for our recent March 8th elections - scrapping the plan at the 11th hour.

I went to a coffee shop for a drink that day and talked to the smiling 'boss' who showed me his prove of having faithfully done his duty like every good occupant of Karnataka and voted that morning.

The way to put the ink, he mentioned, was to strike a line on the dorsal surface of the (distal phalanx of the) finger, which overlapped the skin and the nail bed... the most safe-prove way of doing it as the ink would move with the nail as it grows and thus splits from the mark remaining on the skin which would stay on for at least a month. (That was what he said. hmm... I still don't get the logic on why it is safe-proof)

But paradoxically... he also said that about 10 years ago he voted at least 4 times in a single election (but now he was lazy). 4 times! How is it possible? I mean there is that indelible ink and all that security etc... I mean if there is one person who can vote 4 times even with that kind of security, just imagine how many phantom voters are out there rigging the system. And let me stress again... they used our favourite and much talk about indelible ink!

Obviously I was dreadfully curious on how that 'boss' did it. If it could happen in India, it definitely can happen in Malaysia as well and all the 'clean and fair' elections effort will just be wasted, being flushed down into the toilet bowl.

... the secret was the use of a certain liquid type chemical substance - from what I heard it sounded like 'phenicol' or something similar to it - which, after dipping your finger into it, dries up on the skin (and nail bed) leaving no detectable trace of a chemical coating.

Then, after the officer had applied the ink, you've voted and are supposed to be done for that day, you get excited with election fever and... rubbing off the chemical coating, you're off to vote again.

Elections must be fair and clean, and governments must be chosen through the right means of which, represents the true voice of the nation and not based on vote rigging and cheating. So God help Malaysia!

Batch 21 MMMC Chinese orientation videos

2008-05-04T03:13:00.004+05:30

Yeah! finally i managed to compress these video files and uploaded it on you tube!!!

For those who don't know what is this about... hehe... my batch did a chinese orientation for the junior batch last Oktober 2007 and these are our cool performances.

I choreographed the musical and the torchlight show with the help of batchmates.... and and and i was acting in the musical - shadowplay and chinese opera!!!!! So you better watch!!!! and cheer for me wherever you are.

hehe... the Cotton eye joe dance in which almost all our Chinese batchmates joined ended up looking like an MTV music video.... cool weyyyy

The torchlight show followed by the duet by Jimi and Carol was a great ending to our orientation.... The mood it generated was perfect!

and i must tell you that it was raining heavily on that day (it really stopped for a while when we performing and return with full force after that)...

but it was really a blessing in disguise... cause according to my theory, when all the chairs were wet... and all of the audience had to stand up, it contributed to the excitement (less lethargy mah)...

and thus their great support and greatness (muahahaha... ok la... you will be still good with or without standing la)

Cotton Eye Joe MTV dance

Musical part 1 - Shadowplay

Musical part 2 - Chinese Opera

Torchlight show

p.s. ala dear... performance only mah... jangan marah.... muahahaha... you'll always be my deary

My passivity for a reason

2008-05-04T02:53:00.008+05:30

In today’s prayer meeting discussion , I confess, I was kind of passive. The reason for this introversion was also the reason why I didn’t join Jimi’s medical cell group in the first place. And Stp O had to take that same topic for the sharing and reflecting session. It was a good topic though, no doubt.

The one thing about discussing issues, for me is the preparation needed before hand. Issues are subjects which you must think, reflect, determine you position and put it into words and talk so that everyone can understand.

I was seriously handicapped. All I wanted to do was relax, enjoy the company, probably a break from study (God! I wasted my whole day lazing around today!). So I did not put an expectation on myself to evolve into the typical talking me.

Debate and discussion always takes the whole of my energy. Once I am involve in it… I seriously would be involved in it. My mind would turn on the heat and visualize my past experience, things that I’ve heard and seen; day dream about it till the point where I have to force myself to fall asleep at night.

I will be literally drunk! My brain would ache; drunk not because of alcohol, but of my thoughts; my energy zapped out! I would have the typical symptoms; an elevated feeling, sweating, unable to focus, restlessness, talking excessively…

I reckoned, this would be good for the discussion, probably make it livelier, but it will not be good for me. The side effects, I am not able to handle at this present moment. Not at this time where I am struggling to survive the second year of medical school.

I won’t be able to study (maintain my focus) for the rest of the day in the aftermath of one or two hours of these meetings.

There is no middle path to me. Sometimes I just cannot moderate myself. I feel that in these things, I am only capable in acting in either one extreme. To get involve or don’t.

With time so limited even for me to breath, my priorities are clear. I will not be joining anything... I am not ready because I cannot commit. No offense.

Come back alive!!!

2008-05-04T01:15:00.001+05:30

Thursday, 1 May 2008 09:55 UK BBC

Tourists die in Egypt bus crash

Nine people have been killed and 28 injured after a tourist bus crashed and caught fire in Egypt's Sinai peninsula.

The bus was apparently rounding a sharp bend when it overturned about 40 miles (70 km) south of the city of Suez.

Russians, Egyptians, Britons, Canadians, Italians, Romanians and Ukrainians are said to be among the casualties - many of them badly burned.

Road accidents claim thousands of lives every year in Egypt. Speeding, careless driving and bad roads are blamed.

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just the other day i found this article on BBC ... hehe

erm... so Hisham Siao Sze and the rest who are going to Egypt this holiday. Have a save journey! God bless. Hope to 'see you again' after hols.

(joking la... surely this one is isolated case... what is Egypt compared to India...muahaha)

Ballerina John

2008-04-22T23:21:00.003+05:30

Guess what happened during the batch 22 Chinese orientation... hehe

I was forced to do it ok!!!... it was part of a game...
don't you understand... argh... Where is my mask? Where is my mask?

hmmm... Think so i can turn professional in ballet dancing....

Sound of Music - The endless classic

2008-04-22T22:47:00.005+05:30

Have you ever wondered what became of our - very dear to heart - Captain Von trap's children who never cease to amaze us with their cuteness.

Look at them smile!

The sweetness of their voice, enthralling us with their true feelings of happiness when Sis. Maria came in their lives.

"The hills are alive with the sound of music.
The songs they have sung for a thousand years.
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music.
My heart wants to sing every song it hears."

Where are they now?

Introducing the 7 children in their Golden Years....

Ppl who are thinking about sweet memories of childhood...

I am sixteen going on seventeen.... at heart!!!!

My Lord and my God

2008-04-01T00:00:00.008+05:30

St.Thomas the apostle, one of the twelve disciples of Christ. He was the one who doubted his brothers; all of them locked themselves in a room, afraid that the Roman Centurion might give the order for all of them - the closest friends of Christ - to be put to death, crucified or worse... being deported to the Colosseum in Rome to be eaten by the lions. It could happen anyhow; their master was crucified after all.

But what were his brothers saying? His master appearing in the middle of the hall where they were seated, praying; the door to their room shut tight? These were scared people, too nervous and jittery. Disillusions were bound to happen and Thomas wasn't going to buy all that.

He needed peace like his brothers and the weeping heart of Mary, heartbroken with flashing images of her son Jesus sacrificed on the cross. The words, 'peace be with you' from the mouth of Christ standing in the middle of the room, was just too good to be true. He could be an impostor for all he knows, a person of false hope. He was not there when it happened. He wanted to find out the truth.

He doubted all right. He doubted his brothers' claim that the resurrected Christ had visited them in this room.

I will not believe. My heart shuts its gates to all possibilities and I'll be cold unless i put my finger in the hole of the palms and my hand into the side of that person you called Christ.

And when Jesus Christ appeared in the room the second time (the first for Thomas)... Thomas was speechless. Wow! This is really happening. Christ is really here.

And when Christ comes into his heart, he was transformed inside out. No more 'the doubting Thomas' as Christ showed his palms and his side, the wounds of his crucifixion... holes on the palms by which the nails once resided and from the spear having once pierced the side of his abdomen. This person was really the Son of God.

"Peace be with you!"

The spirit of God took him and swept him of his defenses. He held Christ intensely, embracing him with trembling hands.

"My Lord and my God"

He was a changed person...

Indeed every changed person has a mission. The power of love that transforms a human being magnifying the beauty of his journey with God. The undying flames of hope fueled only by Christ, the provider. This is the mission...

And the Lord then says: "Do you love me."

He reply, "Yes Lord you know i love you."

"Feed my Lambs."

Thomas was believed to have traveled to India where he brought the word of God to its inhabitants.

St. Thomas the Apostle died a martyrs death by a spear.

He was buried in a place in India called Mylapore, Chennai and resides beneath the Basilica of St. Thomas.

I was there... hehe!

Pressing enigma

2008-03-30T01:31:00.003+05:30

Smooth...

If words can play the game. If books can blurt out its contents and wash away my fears. Deny the acts of courage and follow a central leader - eyes closed, blindly. What can the world bring but distraught and shame. The sin of the lie aching in the depth of her being. Hiding behind a closet between the stacks of sleeveless clothes. Bright eyes dull the pain, nothing more to shoot the duck with.

A moments fleece. I'm talking about the fleece of the lamb not old enough to be a sheep. The golden fleece more precious than the common white. Wait for the clock to strike one and you'll see. The cup, the Holy Grail, the round table disappears without a trace.

Nay, i say there is more to this story then a couple of flies. No fly sits on the throne, only a king. How can a servant bring a king down. Only a servant who has the mind of a king can match the kings response; plots a revolution, initiates his abdication. How would the mere slave attain such a degree. Knowledge or character will match the crown tree?

In the end...
Words words nothing but words, playing in my abstract head. But what remains is ideas. Ideas that will sell only if the slave is kingly enough to present it a logical clear way; lest nobody buys it and thus conclude, that he is just not meant to be understood. Has anybody the patience to look at the meaning. Taking it at face value does not help. So where are the pictures which paints a thousand words? Even i doubt the painting works.

Back to the world

2008-03-28T11:30:00.001+05:30

I picture myself retreating from the world this past few weeks, oblivious to all... It was great to take a GREAT big rest and a temporary full stop to this overwhelming medical rat race while traveling around India, first to the north and in the end, returning from the south. Yes, a 360 degree circle from and back to Manipal. A desperate attempt to quell all academic havoc so that i can start afresh.

That was what i did in this past 3 and a half weeks that made me seemed to disappear from the known world. Not a magician's trick but a simple nice retreating holiday in the burning desert lands, the freezing icy mountains, skiing and ol plain and simple visits to palaces and forts. I've gone through India's hottest, driest, coldest climates all in the same trip and thus i am satisfied - really tanned like one of those Tibetan people i noticed so often during my trip; but i am satisfied.

On the other hand, India was a spiritual journey by which i find myself walking by. Heck, it can even be a hub for inter religious eccumenical dialogue if it wants to. I visited Hindu temples; the Haji Ali mosque and ahhh.. the Taj Mahal; the famed Buddhist Mahabodhi temple; Dharamsala, the seat of the Dalai Lama; ate with the Sikhs in the Golden Temple of Amrisar; beautiful Anglican and Catholic churches; the tomb of St. Thomas the apostle and of course Mother Theresa's Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta.

But now i am back (*pause* *taking a solemn moment to stomach this statement*)
I've got a feeling that the medical student life is damaging my character somehow...hmm or is it a process of growth?

Will the sparkle ever again return to my eyes?

But now i am back...

Mess company, sealed with a touch

2008-02-06T23:22:00.001+05:30

In manipal I usually take my meals in the mess, be it the central food court mess or the Nehru mess at the far end of my hostel. The obvious reason is, it is dirt cheap (only about RM100 a month) as compared to eating out… and the food does not make any difference to me as I find that, wherever I go, I will get the same kind of food with the same kind of taste – so better for me to settle down in one place, and subscribe to the cheapest and healthiest (with all the mutual supplementation of nutrients involved) mess in town.

Although some of my friends do accuse me of being a penny-pinching miser wanting to save money…”save money for what?” I ask them.

“To get MARRIED la! Pandai la you.”

Ok whatever… but actually the point of this post is not to discuss about the food court, but to discuss about the mess people, India’s Indians social etiquettes.

I find that the local Indians here; they have this admirable tendency, never to eat alone. Even if they come to the food court by themselves, they’ll share the table with another person of the same boat, be it a stranger.

Very often when I sit alone during my meal, a figure, sighted at the corner of my eye, approaches the table. I look up hoping to see my classmate or a nice junior but… no, it is not to be. A local Indian takes that seat even though there are a lot of empty places around. This person which I’m not acquainted to at all joins me out of no where.

Is it culture or just plain curiosity - taking into account that I am a foreigner especially, a rare Chinese on the Indian subcontinent - I'm not too sure.

And this person I met today, sharing my table, had also the courtesy to switch on the fan as well.

The next best etiquette, not relating to the mess, is their tendency, even for males, to hold each other’s hand. If it is in Malaysia means… habis lor… you’ll be labeled as GAY and everything that comes with it. But in India there is no such mentality. When I hold your hand means that I want to be close to you, that’s all. Best friend kind of feeling; friendship with a touch; nothing else but mere affirmation of the heart. Even my male lecturers do it. (sorry no pic)

Boy I miss those kindergarten days where you had had to hold your partner’s hand and walk two by two to the classroom.

I remember, towards the end of our holiday tour (which saw us going to China, Tibet and Nepal for a whole month), I was at Patna, close to Nepal-Indian border. I made friends with this nine year old local Indian while waiting for my bus. This young boy whose uncle has a titbits shop close by, held my hand throughout, with a firm grip.

A great Indian insight to friendship……..

Caroling Videos

2008-01-25T16:52:00.000+05:30

Ok i'm back after a long break...

These are the caroling videos... a glimpse of what had happen back then... centuries ago...(ok ok.. i'm sorry... better late then never la)

It was really fun... serious... Caroling in lecturers' houses is definitely cool... and not forgetting, it is all for the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ... and definitely the best event to be involved in if you are stuck in some place so far from home during Christmas... hehe

These are excerpts from our caroling repertoire... take a peek.. enjoy! God bless

O Holy night

Feliz Navidad
This song was our carolers' favourite... and we sang it in almost all the houses... no kidding...can't just seem to stop! oh yeah

Silver bells

This Child
....and Dr Annama, not wanting to miss out on the fun, decided to sing for us too!
(together with her family)

Caroling aftermath

2007-12-13T13:32:00.001+05:30

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Just when i thought the (soap opera) manipal love syndrome is over, there blooms another couple. There's no end to this, is it?...ish

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'Caroling' is over and done, but the heartache lives on inside (taken from: emotions, destiny child)...oooo... Oh i Just miss it so much. It is activities like this that keeps me going - makes life sweeter everytime.

When everybody is grouped together, all of which have the single intention of singing and having fun; even the croaking frog can be called a sweet nightingale. It really does not matter whether the singing is unrefined or only amateur material. When it comes from the heart...POW WOW... it transforms into a impressive sight to behold. The caroling on the 10th of December, happened that way.

So... introducing... the FOUR musketeers comprising of Farrel, Linges, Shao Sze and I, the seriously DRUNKEN frogs!!!!

Vincent shared a tale from his Bread of Life pastor that we carolers are akin to angels (hmm... how do you merge drunken frogs and angels?...). What he meant was, in the bible, angels were the messengers, announcing the birth of Christ to lowly shepherds and the guiding star to the three oriental kings. Thus carolers, in visiting houses... etc, are doing what the angels did... by becoming God's loving messengers... yeay!!!

Then he added that we must act like angels (and not frogs... muahahhaha).

Hot and tired we were as the hours passed by, nevertheless we were getting better and better in spirit and in croaking. Many of us did not have dinner beforehand as it started kind of early. We hungry dogs (or frogs) literally lived on the food offered to us by our generous lecturers as sustenance... and i can proudly say, it was more then sufficient (even though most of it was cake, fruit cake and more cake! argh... come on ppl... be grateful!!!!!!!!..remember we are angels!)

And thus angels we were for fullfilling our one day mission.

I remember last year, after a caroling session in acharya compound, the last house of our list that year, my fellow batch 15 senior testified that he was really happy - not the happiness by which you laugh about and forget about it the next moment but that of a manifestation... through a churning stomach, a jumping heart and a flying ecstatic mind. He felt as though at any moment, he could reflexively clap and dance.

That is the undiscovered therapy, medicine will elude us. Even our very own junior can agree to this (before she got sick the next day... for missing monday's singing so much...haha), since it was her first ever experience of caroling, and on top of that, it was good for friendship building!..hint* hint* the short note on top.

In the end, it was a successful outing, and i would like to thank those who had come and those who had tried but couldn't make it, and special thanks to Patrick and Nickson (guitarist), Zhong and Steph (organiser) and Vincent (spiritual director... is he a frog or an angel?). Merry Christmas and God bless!!!!!...

now back to the books....

Merry Christmas - Caroling till we drop

2007-12-07T20:18:00.001+05:30

Sigh! sigh!... Christmas, my Christmas is approaching really soon. Exams, my exams are approaching too. Seriously, both this events will occur almost at the same time - my worse fears coming true. Christmas and exams cannot, i repeat, cannot go hand in hand!!!... So, will this dampen my mood so as to frown and meta morph into a grumpy old man? I mean, how do you juggle between being a joyful giver and being an examinations marks getter at the same time? One have to go at the expense of the other... Right?

NONONO la wey... no need to think so much! You can still sing: 'dancing through the ~~snow~~ books... in the one horse open sleigh!'

That is what I precisely am afraid off... the medical dilemma. It starts right even from medical school. To be a joy giver and suffer to a certain extend or to be a careful individual, taking things to our own securities (ala... Christmas! don't disturb me la...i want to study...got exam weyy!!)

There is no right or wrong answer to the way we must behave, but it takes great faith to do what we deem is right, which in my case, is opposite to the peer pressure asserted by the environment of the medical college.

But ho ho ho, it does not dampen my mood anyhow. I'll still be happy to be a Santa with a stethoscope or a surgeon with a bag of sweets on Christmas day...

sweet surgeon

and ok ok.. fine!. i'll promise not to wish my holy and devout Christian brothers and sisters, and to spread the joy of Christmas during surgery...

or I'll be providing them with an early ticket to paradise!!...

hey ..they will thank me for it ok!!

I'll like to take this opportunity to invite all of you to join in the fun of Doctor Manipal Christmas spirit to go to our beloved lecturers house and sing to them the emotional 'happiness till tears' euphoria (and maybe persuade them to lessen our exam load or hmm...less SDL or PBL...while we makan at their house..hehe). Yes, we'll be carolers on a Christmas caroling mission. A horde of carolers moving like buzzing bees to take manipal by storm and 'tunjuk perasaan!' peacefully...

I say peacefully ah... don't lebih-lebih baling batu pulak.

We'll get to see who our lecturers really are besides their lives as a formal academician; and their family too. Their small children would love to experience our caroling, and sharing it with them would definitely make it an extra memorable event. Even Madam Saju has requested us to come earlier before her children goes to slumber.

All is set!... tomorrow (8/12/07) 4pm practice at acharya compound and Monday (10/12/07) meet at tiger circle at 5.30pm. If you can't come for practice, no worries, just come for the actual caroling and if you have any doubts on your singing ability or you don't know the songs, not a problem! Just come and join in the fun. Lyrics will be provided. Anybody and everybody must come, Christians or non-Christians alike!!!. I'll promise you, you'll remember this day for the rest of your life!

See you there!

Merry Christmas and a happy new Year... God bless!

Love Story...

2007-12-02T13:52:00.001+05:30

Hurray... after 4 months i finally got back my inspiration to write again, partly because i found this new 'add ons' to mozilla firefox which makes blogging so easy. With just a click of a button, and you can already start typing... really cool especially when you are suffing the internet and suddenly one idea just bums into your head, i'll just have to click and bingo!... type type hype hype type... ah! my lucky day! On the other hand, maybe because i'm dreaming again, due to boredom?(...Hmm maybe) and of course, this will result in..."dreaming=ideas" formula and "dreaming +ideas= inspiration"..So darn it, all i can say is that it is part of a vicious cycle and after 4 months of latency i manage to ignite my stagnant brain and jump start my lazy fingers to START BLOGGING!!!(well i hope it'll last)

Ok now lets get down to busness!!!!... In coming... The love story

If you are thinking of falling in love, i tell you ppl... This is the right time of the year to do it!... It apparently started since august this year-this love syndrome-where a lot of people i know in Manipal got hitch or tried to get hitch. It has been really successful that i'm kind of appalled.Man...is this really happening?

Believe it or not, at least i know of 7 newborn lovebirds who had knitted their hearts together in this past 3 months alone and everytime i think of these ppl...i'll go... wow... how sweet!...awwww.. It just reminds me of my cherished moment with my deary as well and it is just as if my heart pops... fireworks. Really happy for them.

And the best part of all, is the almost fairy tailed 'before after' sequence. I had my one month long semester holidays on september. Before the holidays, these individuals where apart, not together... only friends. After the holidays... surprise!!!!!!! A scene to behold...unprecedented.

So my dear friends... if you have this 'thing' for a girl or a guy, and it's troubling your heart deep down inside. Go ahead, muster your courage and befriend this person (first step... always the first step first), be flirty, or confess your feelings(if you are already close), and you may just enjoy the best time of your life!!

For those who already tried and got rejected... don't be sad. Hold your head up high and be proud...at least you tried. Your time will come soon enough. If 'Love story in Manipal' is not meant for you, then maybe 'Love story in Melaka' or 'Love story in the Hospital!'

Ah... i just miss my 'Love story in INTEC' days!!!!...

(The bold titles are derived for the korean drama 'Love story in Paris')

A personal thought :Suffering

2007-07-21T01:50:00.000+05:30

"Martha and Mary: In today’s Gospel, Jesus is asserting that while it is good to serve the needs of others, it is more important for us to discover why we serve others. Do we serve to express our love for Our Lord? The deepest and the most meaningful way to live our lives is to love and serve God more wholeheartedly."

Fr Philip Heng, S.J. (21/07/07)

Our own suffering, no matter how insignificant or mundane, small or trivial - could be even the pain of enduring anxieties and struggles students may have during the course of an examination, our everyday burdens of putting up with things we dislike doing, the hurts that stem from the thought that injustice had been done towards me, the moments you become lost and in the lurch of what to do, when times become unbearable and out of control - may well in fact be a blessing in disguise.

There were many awkward moments in my course of life when I felt a permanent surge of compassion, a sudden paradigm change after waking up one morning from a restless but deep sleep during which the day before had been somewhat torturing. This ‘phenomena’ let me to a conclusion that through our own sufferings we begin to see the sufferings of others (and to take a step further) thus we can be more effective in playing an instrumental role of easing the affliction of our neighbours, and to serve as a channel of peace, bringing solace to others.

Thinking in depth (by reflecting and observing people around me, and the life stories of notable figures from the past and in the present), I find that there is obviously something to this life changing suffering. If previously a person’s heart may be stone cold, suffering may well in fact be the flames which melt the snow to a warm loving embrace.

Therefore, on this journey, like many other great people or simple people alike, had gone through, we must be brave enough to face suffering head on, enduring the pain rather then running away from it, treating it as a friend rather then an enemy. This response to suffering I feel, makes the difference in my life, changing curses into blessings and transforming the pain caused by suffering into purified love.

Jesus had endured immense suffering on the cross for love of us. Let us take up our own crosses and follow him, doing the same to our neighbours.

Mousie's near death experience

2007-07-20T01:18:00.000+05:30

The uncanny vermin meticulously observed its surroundings from the tiny diminutive hole by the corner of the old cupboard, sensing with its nose and ears any potential perils that might be fatal, thus placing its survival at risk. Every minute was a looming danger as the owner of the household, fed up and frustrated, had taken upon himself the ultimatum to eliminate every single pesky rat…“As long as I am alive!”

Although, avoiding countless mouse traps and poison before and there was nothing that it could not survive through, it did not hurt to take the extra mile.

Once pleased and satisfied, it took a watchful step out of its hole - everything still seemed quiet and calm – and taking his next step… still nothing. That is when it started to plummet to great speeds in the direction of the dinning table just directly opposite its home. The strong smell of the food felt appetizing and good and all it wanted to do was to stay alive… it wanted to ‘eat to live’.

It ran beneath the table, hopped on the small stool, jumped on the small PVC pipe beside it and climbed all the way to the top. Ahh… food! All delicious food was waiting for him. It does not matter what food it is… cats food, dogs food, rats food, human’s food, “uneatables”… as long as it can fill my stomach, he thought.

He jumped to reach his haven and just when it was about to land on the table, a pair of claws momentarily grabbed it by its tail, hanging it from the air.

He broke out with sweat and shivers. This could be it. Dangling upside down, gazing at an inverted figure of a black cat –with its keen sharp eyes stroking fear. The mouse was finally caught and it was at the mercy of the cat.

The cat held the rat within its paws and approached it closer to its mouth. The poor thing was scare to death, almost passing out, thinking to itself, I’m too young to die; I got a family waiting for me in my little hole. What would my parents say? What would my wife say? And my children living without their father…no, I cannot die this way!

Nevertheless, how ever determined it might have been to survive, life and death just wasn’t under his control. Yes, it did struggle its heart out but just couldn’t break free. It closed its eyes in despair… ready to feel pain as the gush of breath against its face became increasingly overpowering, and the intimidating canines of the cat drawing closer!

Instead of feeling pain, the light touch of soft fluffy lips grazed its head, ending with a continuous stroking of whiskers. Astonished, he looked up to a smiling cat.

“Thank you for coming to my birthday party!” said the cat. “I really appreciate it, its really… oh mousie… so sweet of you, taking time off like that to make my day. I didn’t think you would come. How brave and valiant you are and not intimidated by me at all! I’m impressed”

Apparently the last of what the cat called family had been given away by its owner – he did not want too many messy kittens at home. Even her suitor, a stray cat from down town had been disposed off for good. She was lonely and needed a friend especially on her birthday. The mouse was a gift to her from the divine! And I hope she managed to earn his friendship…

Well, if the cat was fortunate enough to have the mouse (as a guest, not as dinner!!) for her birthday. I’m really very fortunate to have all of you, my formidable cats coming for mine. It was indeed an honour… Thank you for all the sweet present: interesting books, scholastic proven-for-exam-excellence pen from YL, the chocolates and junkies (thank you so much… I really needed those during the block 4 exam… the endorphins to counter stress... and Gosh! I’m addicted to it now!!!... I think I’m getting the sweet tongue), the soft mousie toy (I’m not going to eat it k… miao!), all the wonderful birthday cards and of course the… ahem ahem… that is making my cupboard smell so nice!

And all of you who couldn’t make it especially back home in Malaysia, thank you for your birthday wishes and prayers.

Special thanks for Zhong Shiun and Senk Chung for organizing it! Hehe… and please note the name on my birthday cake below (it’s not my name!) – wa liao wey.. shock shock shocking surprise they gave me!

... and I carved a heart around my darling’s name! hehe...

So it begins

2007-07-09T21:27:00.000+05:30

And so it begins…..

The day of a new chapter of my life,

Time is ticking.

Not getting younger therein.

21 years of life on this earth,

Thanks to God above,

And my sweet parents too,

Their care and love pursue.

My sweet sister thereafter,

12 years of bliss and colour.

So it seems the fruit that made me fertile,

Prepare the way for both happiness and null.

I am what I am because of them,

Strong and healthy, with shining clinking armor and a helm.

And so it begins…

Along came my morning princess,

Prophesied six months before,

“On my nineteenth birthday a maiden of sweet folklore”

“Will appear right at my door”

“Love at first sight the eyes which dwell upon her”

“Immaculate and spirited melting the heart of the beholder.”

Be it done to me according to thy will,

So it happened - appear my darling for real.

Thank you dear for your beauty gift,

Arrived from Malaysia to Nehru like a thief.

Stole my heart again and again,

Sweet words on the card moved me till I was slain.

And so it begins...

The time has come…

Tomorrow I will turn twenty one...

Hmm… frankly speaking I’ve been a bad boy the whole of this year; the self-proclaimed breaker of hearts with great mischief and a whole lot of tricks up my sleeve. So I for one will commit to a “tell all” confession to reduce the punishment that will be afflicted on me on my birthday tomorrow – (hehehe) apparently some are planning an “Aruba” on me, especially Zhong, Thung and hisham, which is the act carrying me with force, spreading out my legs, and without mercy… erm… hitting my “centre” on a pole… ouch!
Well... I will begin it like the book “Five people I meet in heaven” as suggested by my good friend Phang.

Today is Johnathan’s birthday. Johnathan has just turn 21 and he is reeling with wonder and amazement. It had never occur to him before that time have finally caught up with him and it seemed too fast – way too fast, like a bullet train that never meant to be. Sitting on his bed at his hostel room with the lights off, leaning on the stain wall, cross legged, he started to feel something amiss. In the midst of silence, a certain emptiness abode in his heart. 21 years had past. 21 years of his life had flown by him, being abducted and diminished, never to be returned again.

And maybe there was more. The atmosphere today seemed too quiet. He thought about it and search deep into his soul in retrospection of the feelings and his deeds that had come by – was it worth it what he had done all this while? He could not answer.

Johnathan was now a medical student in the Manipal Medical College and so happened his birthday fell on the week that was considered as one of the busy weeks on which all students prepare for their soon to come, end of semester examinations. He had also just finished a back to back viva voce examination in anatomy and a physiology quiz a day before and was naturally exhausted – just like everybody else.

But still, there he was, in the wee hours of the morning of his birthday thinking of what was going to happen to the rest of his day. Was it going to be like any other energy-draining day, where everybody stays in their rooms to study and exams filling the closet of their tensed minds? Perhaps that was the reason of his longing and emptiness. Does his friends considered him as worthy of them to be abandoning their medical mission, just for a moment, to acknowledge the day that was special to him? Or did he deserve punishment for all the wrong he had done to them in this past year.

Once, he disappointed a dancing group he was involved in by being irregular for practices and pulled out at their last performance. It was not his fault though, as he had other more important responsibilities as a medical student and decided to stay firm with his priorities. On top of that, the last performance was a week before his second end of semester exam and he decided that he just could not cope. Nevertheless there was the guilt in his heart of quarreling with three girls, pushing one of them to the brink of tears, and another, disgusted, turned away with frustration. Their friendship was never the same again.

Being a victim of circumstances, he again deny a singer her chance of singing a duet with him for the Chinese orientation because he was afraid of the soon to come biochemistry class test which was actually postpone to a later dated.

He promised to play guitar for a senior during Christmas caroling, but he pulled out a few weeks later without even practicing due to the heavy medical workload – he should not have agreed in the first place.

There was a time, after a person have had shared with him her life story, he back lashed with unkindly words and requested for her to stop. He did not want to hear of it ever again as he doubted her sincerity at that moment… but the harsh attitude of his actions left him a deep hole of emptiness.(note: this is something to think of before joining the Befrienders).

What’s more, he was also the initiator of the “yum sing” incident at his friend’s party whom he linked with a girl (the friend admires) and of course the spot light interrogation, forcing the friend to spill out the story of his love life… not mentioning the cake they pressed his face into like a rotten pancake.

Excessive pushing of his friend during a photo shoot making the friend do the elbow kiss on a female classmate, and later creating a scandal out of it.

Frantic and at a loss at the long list he managed to gather, Johnathan did not know what to do. There was no turning back on his uncharitable dealings and many friends were affected. Everything seemed to point at the direction of a sly villain in him and yet he knew they were unfair in their judgments. His nature was not of that effect but a prisoner of desperation and fear – academic excellence was after all out of his control and he was merely taking steps to improve it at the expense of others he did not mean to hurt.

Flashes of thoughts passed him by… grimacing at each one of them. Occasionally there were sweet thoughts as well, not forsaking him entirely, giving him a little hope, making a slight difference out of his flickering mind.

He gave up keeping his eye lids open any longer. Then he laid his soft fluffy pillow by the top end of his bedside and after resting his weary head, said a few words of prayer in gratitude to the Lord, and expiring into deep slumber.

Just then, his hand phone vibrated heavily on his table. He picked it up with half sealed eyes and noticed an astounding 29 new messages and a buzzer indicating that his inbox was flooded. He was dazed at himself for not perceiving the alarm and the SMSes earlier and even more surprised by their sheer numbers.

And out of the 29, the first message came from his sweetheart…

“ Happy birthday Johnathan Chong… me love u!!”

(Note: this is a exaggerated account of me. Only part of it is real… the confession part and my sweetheart being the first to wish me… hehe… and of course, being a medical student in Manipal)

Happy Cupid...

2007-07-07T22:04:00.000+05:30

I stood behind her thinking what might her reaction be. I took out the piece of paper which had the address written on it, approached her, bent forward to position myself beside her ears and whispered. “Nah, this is the address you wanted”.

I couldn’t see a reaction as she wasn't facing me at that time. She continued to wander afar. I am unsure if her thoughts were dwelling on the paper, but she seemed to be concentrating on the teacher in front of us, presenting some basic histology of a gland. It didn’t bother me though. Academic subject were after all out main priority. I could only picture a happy heart in front of me, at peace with herself and bubbling joy endeavoring to be contained in silence within a small defiant cage. It was enough for me knowingly that I had done justice to myself by providing a bridge for two love birds (of which both are my good friends) to take on their romantic journey.

Needless to say, as my drifting thoughts bought me back on focus to my histology class once again, I went with the flow of time, thinking and listening and understanding the microscopic slides projected on the LCD screen and at times nudging my friend beside me to distract him – a way of soothing the increasing restlessness in my body. It’s basically the same routine medical studies demands of us… a nice placid life of straightforwardness and rigidity. Thus, it was natural for me to forget that I just happened to play cupid a few minutes ago.

As the lecturer finished his explanation and gave us leave to adjourn to our respective microscopes, I was ready to go, but suddenly, without any hint or thought; she turned around and faced me directly, looking right through me. Her sweet smile was enough to capture my unending gazed, as she looked at me like a kitten purring with such unforgettable round cute eyes. Then she spoke, with words that were enough to speak volumes of joy in my heart, a simple yet so memorable… “Thank you very much”.

I was captivated… my eyes open wide… just could not find the right words. I relaxed myself, kept my composure and gave the only response I felt befitting for such a beautiful occasion. I warmly smiled back, did not speak and waved a silent ‘welcome’ to her.

Hello Conscience

2007-07-02T01:34:00.000+05:30

* this was written on 21 June 2007

Ok... so I denied myself justice again… i did really bad in my class test 2 anatomy for block 4…. First time ever…. And now my body which have had been lethargic for the past few week, just continues being that way. I’m stuck. Am I lazy… or am I just in a period of a burnt out situation? My God! Help… and to add salt on my wound, friends around me are still continually going strong in their subjects, which is of no help either for my esteem (sorry... this is wrong... i shouldn't blame anyone else but myself). I keep on telling myself to pick up from the tracks… but my will power is not strong enough… what should I do Lord?

For this past two weeks or so, I find myself being absent minded… not in the present at all; excessive daydreaming and failing to focus. Today my mind is not cluttered but my heart is… for no reason… I start to miss people … close family at home and surprisingly past friends which I rarely keep in contact with. I started to wonder how they were. It was as if a magically spell has been put upon me. I don’t get it… out of nowhere, this burst of feelings comes to my heart and I am left dazed and confused. Then I wonder… is this what I’m supposed to go through? (My stomach is aching now). To be frank, I am not happy. The work load overwhelms me and I find myself trying harder and harder to have that correct attitude. I succeed at times but there are certain moments like what I am experiencing now which baffles me. How hard I try, yet I am not there yet. I haven’t reached the ceiling. For example, in this block’s anatomy exam, in my first class test, I managed an astounding distinction, a convincing 84 upon a hundred… but as I mentioned just now, I am going to squander my 2^nd class test… the unofficial result… 40 upon ninety.

A note to self: a simple switch of attitude can cause a grave plummeting in my result. The “yo-yo” effect which plagues my days of a medical student, I just can’t get rid off yet... not yet but soon to come.

(My stomach still hurts!!!) I still remember, as I walk to Mr. Sathish Nayak’s room, pasted on his wall, there was two written messages on his principle for learning. It was directly facing his seat, and every morning of his working days, as he comes to his cabin and sits down on his chair, there in front of him, those deep words would remind him everyday of what he has to do. It will press upon him to take steps to improve and persist through learning. It wrote…” the marks I get for an exam is inversely proportional to my laziness towards learning”… and another… “I do not believe in last minute work unless I am in it”. Simple statements but it carried, down to earth, profound meaning. The only think that made me wonder was whether the habituation of constantly reminding yourself will wear you thin, making the reminder subconsciously dismissed and taken for granted.

Oh well… what the heck… now it is ten o’ clock… I had let one hour passed me by. I have made good decisions and bad ones in my life… and I wonder whether spending time writing what I have had written above is worth it or should I have spend my time on studying for the biochemistry test - scheduled this coming Saturday - instead?

(My stomach still hurts!!!)

On a brighter note, just when I was despairing and heading for class, and probably trying to drum into myself of what had happen. Ann Li gave me a prayer to St Joseph together with the mediastium diagram she was supposed to return. It states:

Great St Joseph of Cupertino who while on earth did obtain from God the grace to be asked at your examination only the questions you knew, obtain for me a favour in the examination for which I’m now preparing. Through Christ our LORD. St. Joseph of Cupertino. Pray for us. Amen

Coimbatore - part 1

2007-06-24T12:17:00.000+05:30

It was the fact that I wanted to do something different for a change rather than continuing my mind-dulling routine of lectures and more studying just after the end of our third block exam, the reason for which I jumped on the idea immediately for a short journey to Coimbatore – the opportunity of a life time – for my lecturer’s wedding reception. (Coimbatore is one of the main cities after Chennai which is located in Tamil Nadu, the southern most state of India). The timing for his reception could not be better as it is just a day after the end of our third block exam – the most viable time out of our whole terribly busy semester. And mind you, it is not without a downside; attendance for classes had to be sacrificed, not only for a day, but two days!!

For those who are wondering what two days out of the whole semester is worth ( I mean like haiya… two days only what), I must convince you of the obsessive ness of MMMC batch 19 students when it comes to a perfect 100% attendances of all the lectures. It is a pure fact that many thrives on that torturous and tortuous journey to receive that appreciation, the certificate of honour for going to every single lecture class for the whole year round, and according to the Dean, an achievement to be proud off! (Others just view that attending every class is equally as important to be able to play the catch up game for acquiring extensive amounts of knowledge in a short space of time).

Nope… none of those fears were going to prevent me. Sing Cher, Shao Sze, Eric and I were going ahead anywayz, no second thoughts, no doubt! I would never miss this for the world.

MAY 10^TH 2007 – Thursday

At the rate we left Manipal after our last exam, it had that authentic mission impossible theme…our only mission: to Coimbatore at any cause.

3.30pm… the last group for the biochemistry practicals had just ended.

3.36pm…off to the travel agency to buy the last minute tickets. We were ready to assassinate the poor fellow manning the counter if he did not confirm our train seats. The most exhilarating part was telling that person the destination we were heading. Initially, none of us could really catch the pronunciation of the name of that place - twisted heavily with that crude Indian slang, and we were left fumbling with coim“muthu”? Coim”buntut”(huh... ass)? coim“butu”? Whatever… at least he understood us and we’re going the correct way…right? (I’d cross my fingers on that one).

5.12pm…Our job well done as we grabbed the last four available seats of the train and they were first class tickets - just perfect…too perfect for the four of us! (Ah! divine intervention from my dear friend…thank God for helping us) Any extra passengers will just have to be put on the waiting list… and now for the packing.

5.50pm… we rushed to have our last minute dinner. Eric went to collect our printed train tickets, while Shao Sze was off to buy a nice congratulatory card for our lecturer… it was a really huge one indeed; how sweet of him!

6.35pm… I finished my dinner and was still in the food court with Sing Cher (I was unlucky to get my food later then expected… is not that I ate slowly k… my munching speeds were supersonic…hump!). We ran to a waiting Eric at the bus stop, obviously in anxiety with a worried-filled sweat on his brow. Many buses had come and gone and we were late. Our train in Mangalore – a two hours journey from manipal - was scheduled at 9.15pm and the time was 6.55pm; so much for our “secret agent” gimmick.

7.00pm… our journey to the Mangalore train station begins… in the hope that we will not miss the train!

Note: I would like to give Sing Cher the credit for finding out information about getting to Coimbatore and for keeping in constant communication with our Lecturer, Mr Sudarshan and his dad. She was in fact the one who actually initiate that plan itself for that trip and got us all fired up to follow her.

Rocky Bolboa Lesson

2007-03-03T19:10:00.000+05:30

It's not about how hard you hit but how much hits you can take and still able to move forward

It doesn't matter what it seems to other people, but most importantly what it seems to you

2007-02-25T23:47:00.000+05:30

Prayer of Augustine the pianist

Lord grant me the grace of hard work and excellence;

and bring out the best in me,

through the talents you have given me.

(his life story: to be continued)

Remember the Struggle - please Study!!!

2007-02-05T16:10:00.000+05:30

Remember how you cried;

Remember how your body temperature increased, feverish;

Remember how you were so scared, too fearful, too afraid till you started laughing;

Remember how you embraced the cross so tightly, waiting for an answer in the midst of despairing;

Remember this last moments, preparing for this important life changing exam, a day before, when you just felt so helpless, trapped...

Tomorrow is out of control...

Tomorrow is a cloud of unknowing

The Good news is this is not the end, but a new beginning,

It is time to change NOW, URGENTLY, IMMEDIATELY
and just remember, oh for goodness sake, please remember
this memory, your storm, this mark, that will change your life forever…

This is truly worthy of remembrance…

Being Apart from you....

2006-11-05T12:07:00.000+05:30

Apart from you, my heart is shattered, afraid I might lose all that I’ve long for. The heart full of turmoil and my mind – in a mess, simply bewildered. For a penny of my thought, a thousand of day dream debris. I merely wanted a sense of feeling, the emptiness to be filled with your presence; battling the thoughts, they shoot on me, with arrows as sharp as a thousand thorns piercing my body. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE… that is what I want to give to you – I must not forget, I must not despair. Your absence has made me want you more. It is not only a duty, but a desire, the passion, the dependency on you. To simply put it... I need you! It’s the suffering of Love and the need of your love as I walk along the streets of manipal. As I see lovers kissing, walking hand in hand, guy and girl, and guy and guy (no kidding! It is very common here). My heart fills with unrest; then I try to make a mental picture… see you in the empty space in the sky… plead of the clouds to form your spirit in a face of your beautiful person: body, soul, mind and strength. But it is nothing compared to the real you... and I am sad.

Nevertheless, behold the girl sitting in front of me on msn of the computer with her beauty magnified on the camera of the skype. Behold your sweetness when I come in communion with you, dear, every night. This is the time the unrest heart settles, my suffering comes to an end; the wounds brought about by the thousand arrows, shatters – you the healer of my drought! My mind laid focus on you… and I remember why I Love you. My vision grows clear… and I do not have to depend on the clouds any longer. My despairing changes in your light,and thus transforms into a fresh hope. I am no longer afraid. My morning sun! I am so in love with you!

A Tale of a Russian Friend

2004-09-09T18:10:00.000+05:30

I remember, it was during the orientation week, that I first saw; my new found friends were going to Russia. I remember me being a chicken who was going to marry a worm, “ I believe I can fly “ says the bird who destined to walk on two feet on the ground, his wife, we actually went against nature; she was made by God to be my food, but in this case it was not as expected.

What came after that? The Malaysian Idol epic… “ you got to have the Matrix card”. It ended the cheerleading and kungfu stunts. I remember borrowing the cap from the UiTM guard and my Russian Friend returned it for me. A sweet memory, coming in second best for our efforts together.. row, row, row your boat gently down the stream; gently, gently, gently, gently, life is like a dream.

Who can forget our ATU friends, Chee Yong included, but it was already the end of the orientation.

The first date was in Mc Donald’s, many things we talked about: our blessed hometown, our schools , to name a few. We talked and talked and we ate and ate, all six of us, and then we left – I was the last to finish eating.

Our next trip together was to the Chinese stall, then from there it diverted to Midvalley Megamall. I was a ‘T’ shirt model, and I accompanied my dear Russian Friends, exploring the place, in their eyes - the eyes of a girl. They taught me true window shopping and… hehe I bought the Sushi for my sister.

When class started all was busy and vague. The Russians were earnestly learning their language and I was killing time finishing all sorts of projects. Lesser and lesser we saw each other.

The only other time, beside the canteen, was tennis. I was a bad coach, but playing with both of them was fun. The Malay Dilemma was a book I read, a book she borrowed. The same ‘she’ lent me the piano grade 8 book. I was overjoyed, at the same time overwhelmed (exaggeration) with classical music.

Time and again, in church and in Campus Alive meetings, we observed the atom; manage a nice warm hit on the Russian wall, eating chicken rice, enjoying the company of each other.

But time seemed to be short, the factor was time. The last of everything came eventually. My mid-semester holidays was the entrance, a gate to departure from sight. The last time seeing her in church, the last time seeing her in CA, the last time I held the music book, the last time our pictures were taken for remembrance, the last bus which we used together.

The last date was also in Mc Donald’s, this time there were two instead of six – the sweet person who had this last meal. I managed to keep my promise to her. She obliged me with gentle courtesy.
Before I was going to the bus I saw the Russian and French. I came up to the Russian, she came up to me. She shook my hand, I shook hers. Even though we did not exchange many words, it was enough to give the tremendous feeling and thought, communicated silently, “ I will remember you, I will miss you dearly, hope that fate will bring us together again… goodbye.”

On Friday morning, I received a SMS during my class period. It was my Russian friend asking what time my class ended. I told her and she would not reply. I knew something was amiss, and I inquired to investigated further. She was in the college itself about to go after having done the clearance in INTEC UiTM. Her bus was about to leave for Ipoh at 11.30a.m. Thus I had the honour of carrying her bags to he bus station, nearby, and the last moment of sight, the honour of seeing her off, the honour of the last wave goodbye – she had gone back to Ipoh, and will be off to Russia a week later.

IMPORTANT QUOTES

Bina Negara Camp
4 sessions of talks, 2 hours each. 6 meals per day. Sleeping time around 12 to 5. I nearly doze foo just now, during the last session.

Starting from tomorrow the programmes will be different. So maybe not so boring… We have to sit for a test on Friday . They said must pass, if not cannot fly . So have to study. The physical activities r also part of the test.

Wednesday’s activities are better than the day before, at least not so boring. Thursday we debated about “ Can men marry more than one?” The camp’s not so badlah, after all. I quite enjoyed some of the activities, actually. How’s CF? Is it fun? Ok wanna study a bit now… then sleep… goodnight.

Received ur message during the test, but didn’t read lah. I didn’t marahlah… just saying… I heard u all ALM got many test lately. So kesian ah… not enough time.. Our’s ok still can tembak. But they say they’ll let us pass. Anyway ended arounnd 12. Oh the way back to Shah Alam now.

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My camp is in ulu klang. After thes week 2 weeks can’t go back. Have to go camping on weekends. 1st flight 12 sept. 2nd 27 Sept. Last day here 30/8 or 17/9.

Ya, have camps for two weekends. Dunno can go SFX or not, depend on the camps. 1st camp 3 days so maybe can’t. 2nd camp 2 days, but dunno it is Fri Sat or Sun. So good ah u all got holiday, for so long some more. Bird flu getting serious now u some more want to belanja me chicken rice :-P 

Then u should hace pity on me and belanja something nicer since u know that I won’t have chance to eat good food there.

What if I asked my friends along? Then u have to pay a lot who?!

Hmm.. Although it seems that I don’t have a single day free now (lots of things to do), I will try to find a way and give u a chance to belanja me.. Hehe … 

I won’t say Remember Me Always cos I like 2 keep my feelings. The words r in my heart, not my lips. That’s the problem, cos u can’t hear them. But I know u’ll always remember me cos I’ll always send mail 2u, make sure that u won’t even have a chance 2 forget me  But my friend, where’s ur email address?

Lucky you gave me your email address the third time I ask you or not I won’t be talking to you.

Wah so cruel.. thought there’s no telephone signal there or what. How did they know that u brought along ur handphone? They selongkar ur things or what

RSMU stand for Russian State Medical University. It is also called M2. I got friends in the same u, not very close yet but ok. My roommate Xiao Tian got Moscow Medical Academy (M1), in Moscow too. Li Jie also got M1. Will I be meeting U Later. I’ll tell u more then. So u straight away holiday until 1/9 loh.

Dunno, just don’t want to think about it now. It’s a bit too fast, really. But even if I don’t want to go now, I’ll still have to, right? So I guess quite ok ol

Hehe..  busy packing n repacking. Too may things to bring but can’t fit in cause overweight. U?

Going to church now, there’a a prayer service of rosary to commemerate St. Mary’s Birthday.

I am still calm… ;) Just some last minute packing, shoppin, mettin frens.. so, it’s been nice knowin u n best of luck. Neway do u have an e-mail add?

ENDING
To my four Russian Friends of the same orientation group, all the best in Russia. Going to miss all of you. I am bless knowing you, very honoured to be your friend… remember me and see you become a doctor in 6 years time…. Sobs …

With Love and Care,
Goodbye,
Johnathan Chong Yee Onn.

Email add: johnachyeon@yahoo.co.uk

In the Cemetery

2004-08-30T13:30:00.000+05:30

There was a person in his old age, a member of our BEC, a bedridden grandfather. I never seen him before in my younger days and youth, even forget, has his name ever been mentioned?
But somehow the old timers new; the senior members of our Christian community - I hardly see anyone who is not senior. They seemed to know him well.

Today he was in his coffin, grandeur of white furnishing, in an unending sleep with four white candles at his four corners, his picture before his remains, a cross as a background.

"I hear the voice of people all around me, some wailing, others in solemn silence. I awoke from my sleep to investigate out of curiosity only to find myself lying, not on my bed but a wooden box. I see my own face, my chest, and my face - a sight unprecedented. They were all there, my family, relatives, friends, my son beside me in black and my ever lovely wife."

"I suddenly notice a group coming closer to me, and a priest in his robes with a book in his hand, started to mumble something. Suddenly I saw a light filling me with such warmth and solace, I could have dance, out of overwhelming joy - a prayer, in my moments of desolation."

On the second day after his death, I exited the PJ crematory, never knowing what had happened - forcing my lids open was the only thought, leaving behind me the ending of a life that had gone hand in hand with time, decades long. He was the person who I visited when dad gave Holy Communion even if he hasn't the ability to chew. It was yesterday "he had gone hallelujah". Pray for me, if you are in Heaven.

Then I suddenly remember, Fr. Phillip Mutu announcing in today's mass that a Form 5, seventeen-year-old boy passed away in an accident tragedy. I am one year older than him and may have seen him before in Sunday school

The Hidden Voice

2004-08-22T01:41:00.000+05:30

I am pinned down to the floor,
I don't know what to do,
I can't get up,
I can't evade.

I am overcome with fatigue,
I am pressured with such intensity,
I go around being a slave;
For those who bound me,
In chains so tight,
Trap in resentment,
Captive in dungeon.

I face worries and anxieties,
I meet those who torment me,
I dodge myself from these peril;
But it's not enough to save me.

I am victimized by those who consume me
I am hurt by those who despise me
I am weakened by those who overpower me
I am tattered by those who slander about me
I am saddened by those who curse me
I am blinded by those who deceive me
I am desolated by those who avoid me

Instead,
I am comforted by those who instill in me peace
I am overjoyed by those who support me
I am secured by those who look after me
I am renewed by those who affirm me
I am healed by those who console me

I am freed by those who have pity on me
I am relieved by the thought
"somebody cares"
My heart melts
When a smile shines on me

Thank You!
I say to ye of such kindness
I say to ye of such gentleness
I say to ye of such generosity
I say to ye of such love
I say to ye of such goodness
I say to ye of such patience
I say to ye of such faith
I say to thee my true friend

I will always remember you deep down under.

By Johnathan Chong Yee Onn
Bintang 2003 (Volume - 42)

Memoirs of a dear friend

2004-08-21T11:00:00.000+05:30

My eyelids awaits the darling buds of May, opening slowly, brightening gently, awakening to the fully opened door, the entrance to the fields of green grass; the quite pools of fresh water. Should I walk into the door and leave my past behind set foot on the grass, filled with rivers of sweet smelling flowers, blooming a hundred kinds; chirping birds that satisfy my failing heart with the undying sound of music- a space where the people I once knew, forgotten' the beauty before me with haste I am enamored with; illusions that travel further than realities.
But, yea, I went with a willing heart, fresh and an unperturbed mind. I lay seated and enjoyed myself wholeheartedly. The ground beneath my hands, a gold mine to show my mettle - but most of the time, breathe the new wind, go with the flow, listening, never denying nature my friendship.
Thoughts flashing back and front like the mist by the mountains, fogged and dimmed. Through it walked a sweet young maiden, breaking the mist with her smile, as radiant as the cool and gentle morning sun rising from the east.
" The princess of the gardens has come to visit her dominions" announced the almighty messenger, like thunder from the clouds.
Almost like dancing, she placed her feet under the carpet of red flowers, gracefully blooming before her... Towards me!
Was it serendipity? Was it the will of God? Or was I simply fortuitous of my coming to the garden of Eden? Fore her nature was of a good, jovial and vivacious, virtues of an everlasting friendship. A rare exquisite jewel bursting with geniality and benevolence, naming a stranger friend; the enemy, an acquaintance; the sorrowful, the comforted. I knew her only for a day, but the friendship she showed is like a month.
The friend that God has gave me today, I beg and plead, that it will last forever, for the gardens will fade, and thus national service will end... But the princess and I, you and me, our friendship will last a lifetime, and in our dying days reminisce about the nostalgic past of a make believe soldier.